Hetero Was Never an Option
by WookieCookie
Summary: In Which Shiki and Yori are avid slash writers and they're very good at shipping KanaZe pairing. Insert the victims, Kaname and Zero who are trying their best to deflect everyone's false claims of them being together. Wall-smut-voyeurism Hidden-cameras


**Warnings: Unintended voyeurism, wall sex, fanboy!Shiki, fangirl!Yori, hidden cameras, reference to Scott pilgrim vs the world (if you can spot it) and many, many more.**

**Important A/N: Yori **_**knows**_** about the existence of vampires.**

**Beta: Darkened Dawn of Silence. **

* * *

**-X**

Shiki was the best of the best at what he did and what he did best was creating an unambiguous, vocally wondrous and expressive to the core fanfictions. Slash, gay fictions because he could and he loved it when the power to create a verbal world of homosexuality was in the palm of his hand.

Sighing deeply, Shiki closed the door behind him, trudging idly toward his desk. The light from his laptop's screen ignited the dark room. Takuma wasn't in yet, meaning he could continue fulfilling his guilty pleasure.

Taking a seat and prepared his pose; the half-pureblood maneuvered his modified cursor (A modified man-humping-another-man rainbow cursor) to the subject Fanfiction net. Shiki pressed the _Sign In_ option and his penname _ChocoPocky69 _came into the view.

"Forty-two reviews for _Copulation in the Dark_ and three-oh-one reviews for _The Prurience of Passionate Lovers_. One shot, one shot, one shot-...oh?" Shiki blinked once he noticed one of his one-shot stories had been reviewed by none other than the legendary Rated-M author in every fandom, _Biscuit-Smex-Banana_.

For years in his in-the-dark career, Shiki's rank was below three of the best slash authors but higher than common writers and he was currently in the top ten spot. If he wanted to be honest with himself, Shiki was pretty damn pleased by the outcome.

Shiki squared his shoulders; usually blank expression covered his face as he read the review left by _Biscuit-Smex-Banana_.

_'Straight to the point, the title 'Designed to Make Love' just killed me with a sudden excitement and it was nice to know someone actually had the balls to describe a man's dick. This dude got a giant penis. Screw hetero; it was never an option. How the heck he could even find that Triple L condom? Awesome, just awesome. The uke was such a whore, he whored himself out to his whorish animalistic and succumbed to his boyfriend's lust. Ten stars gay bar for you. –Inserts troll face here- LOL! I'm awesome.'_

Shiki blinked again. Did he just read it right? Did _Biscuit-Smex-Banana_ just applaud him even though she or he was known due to his/her harsh criticism to every author out there that had encountered the mysterious writer? He was about to reply the review when his cellular device tinged, followed by a loud ringtone; Big Bang – Fantastic baby. (Damn, he could never ignore the fact that G-Dragon had such a slurry hot voice.)

Unknown number was tapped on the screen of his cell - _Shiki's brows narrowed_ - and he answered the call with a subtle tone.

"Yeah?"

_"Shiki-senpai?" _The voice spoke from the other side of the line.

"...who-" Wait, he knew this low yet cunning tone filled with sly comments that were held back courtesy for a polite conversation. A good and most trusted friend of Yuki. "Wakaba?"

_"Precisely."_

Shiki could almost feel the girl's slow forming smirk from where he was siting.

_"Got my review?"_

Oh? Oh. _Oh_.

"You? Biscuit Smex Banana?" his voice brusque with cynicism. Yet what one got to do when the best and precise slash author that had ever existed was under his nose this whole time? Shiki knew not about this girl except for her name and eternal loyalty to Yuki. To know he was ChocoPocky69 when Shiki was very careful and skillfully at keeping his precious identity hidden, not to mention his phone's number; Wakaba Sayori was very good indeed.

_"Aha. You're one of a kind, aren't you Shiki-senpai? Have you ever thought of breaking out from your limit break and do something more-... protuberant?"_

"What do you mean?"

_"If you notice the current news, I solidly believe people are currently shipping Kuran-Senpai and Kiryu-kun together. While Yuki has agreed for cooperation, she's more of a person who draws her imagination into a piece of paper. Thus, the reason why she makes Kuran-senpai slash Kiryu-kun doujinshis."_

Do-doujinshis? No. It couldn't be. Good news didn't happen twice in a day right? Still, here he was, discovering the wonderful newsflash. Not to mention Yuki's work at that. And to answer Wakaba's question, of course he knew girls and boys paired Kaname with Kiryu.

It was obvious was it not?

His cousin went all berserk and wanted to harm the hunter whenever he was around. Kiryu on the other hand, appeared volatile and wild, accusing the pureblood with curses and ill logics.

From everyone's point of view, they were trying, and trying very hard, to get in each other's pants.

Sexual tension was high on those two.

"I see where you're going, Wakaba."

"_Do you?"_

"You need my assistance."

_"Yes. To create the most deliciously sinful and hot-_

"-Kaname slash Zero explicit stories the world will ever know-"

"_**Yes**_." they both said in a perfect unison, smirking into the night.

One of these days, they would make sure the world see the relationship between the pureblood and the hunter in a whole new way.

**-X**

Zero had been wary of his surroundings. Everyone was giving him the look as if they knew he was hiding something but failed miserably to conceal it from mistrustful eyes.

This led his walk to early classes both terrifying and unnerving to a certain degree. If only everyone would stop staring like he just-

"Kiryu-senpai?" A group of giggling, blushing girls walked out to him, blocking his path. Zero swallowed back his groan and tried to master disinterest guise on his face.

One of the teenagers pushed their friend forward, signaling a strawberry-braided hair girl to start a conversation. Zero didn't know what a flock of double X chromosomes wanted with him since he had no time for this nonsense.

"Kiryu-senpai, we know about it a-and w-we just want to give you our full support. I-it's common for hatred to turn to love. Besides, Kuran-senpai's beauty is very rare to find in men these days." She shuttered.

"I don't know care-" Zero stopped, "Wait what?"

"Keep fighting Kiryu-senpai! We will kick anyone that tells you gay love is wrong."

They disappeared into the crowd.

Zero stood there stupidly.

Each girl in the sea of people batted their long lashes at him like they just found something worth stalking for.

From across the pavement, meters away near the entrance to the night dorm, Zero could see Yuki talking with the insolent pureblood. What surprised the hunter most was when, out of nowhere, Kuran gave his darling girl a weird stare, implying that Yuki just mentioned something peculiar for the very first time in her life.

Whatever that was, Zero could care less.

**-X**

Kaname was nearing at the edge. One could only endure, tolerate so little if it came to-

"Kaname-sama, are you planning to do anything with Kiryu tonight?" Takuma asked. Kaname threw him a dirty look. It didn't deter his friend.

The blonde wiggled his brows, "Ah, I get it. Lemme rephrase that. Kaname-sama, are you planning to do anything _to_ Kiryu tonight?"

Kaname kicked Takuma out from his room, literally.

What had gone wrong? Now almost every soul in the school's perimeter was being outward blunt with him. Blunt about a specific subject: whether if he used tongue when he smooched his supposed lover, Kiryu Zero.

He slapped the disgust away.

_When I get the mastermind behind this commotion I will-_

**-X**

"Kaname?"

"Yes headmaster?"

"When you're at it with my son, please use condom for safety reason."

"_No_." _Not you too._

"No? You won't do it, Kuran Kaname?

"No, I mean- you're-"

"Okay that's it; I'm going to give you The Talk."

"_No_."

"Sit."

**-X**

The nightmare went on for days, prolonging its conquest to humiliate both victims before it turned to weeks and then months.

It stretched to the point where Zero couldn't stand this insanity, absurdity, and disturbing fascination anymore. Ruka, the conceited Ruka who despised Zero with strong commitment was among the eager, curious bystanders.

She'd asked him if coupling with her leader was exotic and/or erotic.

At that moment, Zero snapped.

No more. This mind-game must stop instantly. If Kuran wanted to stay quiet and wait for it to magically disappear, he could do that. However, Zero wouldn't have any of it.

Despite his better judgment (Don't go! Don't go or you're going to regret it!), Zero marched to the night dorm in all his glory and rage.

Someone needed to burn and that someone would be Kuran Kaname alone, the coccydnia-obstinate pureblood.

**-X**

"Kiryu." Kain acknowledged. The fire conjurer made away from the slight ajar door and let the hunter enter without resistance. If the hunter really was Kaname's lover, he wouldn't want to stand in his way. After all, purebloods were protective and possessive of their mates.

Zero though was overwhelmed by the polite reaction. He didn't anticipate that.

"Dorm president is in his room."

"Yeah." Aido chirped gleefully behind his taller cousin. "I bet he's in the shower, naked. You can join him and _tango_. Or to be crude, shower sex." he whistled.

Zero launched at Aido. Kain and a concerned Takuma had to step in to stop the dispute but not before Zero sent a kick to the womanizer's groin.

_Sunnawavitch_. His supreme kick better killed the pineapple head.

In his room, Shiki heard the commotion.

He remained blank, looking at the girl who secretly had snuck into his room through the window.

Masking Shiki's expression, Yori gave Shiki a 'Do it' look.

Shiki pressed the black button on the device in his hand. A small monitor on the walls was brought to life, showing the exact structure of Kaname's room.

It wasn't an easy job but they had managed to bug several pinpoint insect cameras at every corner of the chamber. Shiki had a hunch his leader would notice, seemingly due to his acute senses. In the end, whatever deity was up there seemed to be on their side tonight because for hours gone by - Kuran Kaname suspected nothing.

**-X**

Near half an hour flew by and nothing happened yet.

Shiki would have yawned and declared the mission to infiltrate, observe hot steamy sex and turn it into one remarkable story as yet another failed attempt.

Kaname and Kiryu hadn't done anything, safe for the intense booming argument transpired between them. Lips moving in angry sign, fingers lifted in accusing manners and their eyes spoke one thing: hatred.

As a yaoi fanboy, Shiki interpreted this as an undefined extraordinary voluptuous pressure.

Yori broke the silence, "Kaname-senpai only wears the towel around his waist."

"Kinkiness knows no bounds." Shiki said in a deadpan monotone.

He hadn't had a clue spreading wide an innocent, single gossip-

_(Kaname secretly hungers for Zero but it's a forbidden love where they bleed and wantonly thirst for touch of affection) _

-through letters he purposely scattered and left behind all over the academy, waiting for anyone to pick it up. From one person, it would go to another and another and another until the cycle would escalate to a mass proportion.

He did his part.

Infiltration and observation was Yori's forte. As always, she'd done it magnificently.

Still...

"Nothing's happening."

"No erection or whatsoever."

"If you put it that way-

"Wakaba, be quiet and look." A definite tone in her partner in crime's voice made Yori narrow her eyes. She turned to look at the monitor.

Subconsciously, both male subjects were quiet, staring at the other on a defensive and something akin to curiosity or possibly excitement. Percentage for intercourse to occur was higher than five but lower than eight.

Yori scribbled it down.

Shiki hmm-ed.

"Most peculiar. What could trigger such endowed behavior?" the model inquired.

"Could it be the heat? It's a warm night. Or maybe they haven't bedded anyone for long."

They fell silent again.

Unwavering gazes on the screen as they scrutinized.

Kaname leapt closer to Zero, hands curled into fists, his glare spoke absolute dominance, steps were slow and careful but his pasture was rigid. Zero made no movement. Not a flick of a finger.

In a rush of a wind, Kaname hurled the former human backward with his arms secured fold around the boy's hips before Kaname dismissively threw Zero to the floors with a loud thump. The hunter didn't stay feeble. He fought back, fighting for control by pulling his beloved gun from its holster, releasing the first bullet, second, third as he let the bullets sing in the air. Kaname deflected it with a single telekinetic wave, moving closer to his intended prey with a sleek movement.

"Oh." Yori blinked.

"I know." Shiki said. "Tragically twisted."

It was surprising no one came to stop those two, considering the damage, the loud noises they had frowned upon the room. Not that Shiki was complaining. This was good. Really good.

Everything went according to plan.

If his calculation was right; Kaname would push Zero against the walls, hands fidgeting to feel every skin and muscles that was of Kiryu Zero - in which the hunter would return it by clawing Kaname's hair and pulled him forward for a lip-locking session right about-...now.

_Thud_.

"Oh god. Yes." Yori silently cheered.

"Uh-huh. Exact precision. Kissing, feeling, tasting each other as I have predicted with my perfect algorithm."

"Shiki-senpai is good."

"Well, thank you."

"Subject A, Kuran Kaname, is responding to the kiss. Without fail, trying to free his prey from the persistent uniform. He groans as he glares at the pants belongs to subject B, cursing incoherent curses in Latin before he summons his claws and rips everything to shred. Noted, including his towel." Yori informed.

"Kaname-sama is big."

"I have seen bigger."

"Should I extend the information now, Wakaba?"

"Be my guest. I'm filing my reports."

"Understood. Subject B, Kiryu Zero, appears malleable and pliant, allowing his dominant partner to mark and break a skin along his shoulder blade. His mouth gaps open in a low moan and whimper for oh-point-oh-seven seconds. Comparing the size of their Albino Cave Dweller-"

"A what?"

"Dick. Cock."

"Oh okay, continue."

"Subject A possesses an average size fits for a common male while subject B's size is a bit diminutive by a few inches. Noted, Subject A is sensitive whenever Subject B gives a feisty nip to his ears. Pointing out that Subject A endorses skin contact by grinding his Albino Cave Dweller to subject B's Albino Cave Dweller."

Kaname made a low groan when Zero came, spurting a string, after string and after string of white substances from a simple hips-grinding effort.

Yori narrowed her eyes. "Zero is a squirter."

"He enjoyed it."

"May I?" Yori questioned.

"Do."

"Continue- _wait_. Shiki-senpai, are you seeing what I'm seeing?"

Shiki blinked.

His cousin had produced a new condom packet from a nearby drawer before he returned to Zero's side.

"Does Kuran-senpai ever bother to use condom before?"

"Not as far as I know. No."

The girl coughed in her fist. "Anyway. Previously, subject A is showing a tad careful side of him before copulation activity starts. He gives a twinkle look to subject B and sheaths a sized-extra-M condom on himself."

"Penetration will take place in five- wait no. Three, two and... they're in. Both cynical subjects release a long but clear groan, a perfect resemblance to that of a bear-"

"Shiki-senpai, that's rude."

"Forgive my then. Counting thrusts now."

"Copy that, senpai." Yori pulled another new notepad from her pocket dress and pressed the top of her mechanical pencil.

"Engaging sex wall. Two thrusts in a second. Three, four, five, six, seven - we have come to a conclusion that subject B is enjoying the rough treatment. He mutters joining words of 'Harder, deeper and faster' in one simple sentence. Remarkable."

Thirteen thrusts, Shiki realized, in first seven seconds. This was a quickie. They weren't making love. He was a bit disappointed yet he took what he could get.

"...I think we're insane and in need for a professional help, Wakaba."

"I think so too."

"Let's continue then."

"Very well. Subject B has his arms around subject A's neck for much necessary support. Cheeks flush in needy desire, mouth parts for small pleas, legs dangle on either side of Subject A's hips."

And just as Yori was about to praise Kaname's ability for screwing Zero raw without detection of internal bleeding, they came spilling with vulgar remarks.

Zero more than Kaname.

"That was short."

"Didn't matter. We have everything we need and it'll be enough for us to study it for months."

"Think the readers on FF net will love the idea of vampires' sex?"

"Maybe. Maybe not. To each of their own. If you ask me, I think I'll define it in my own 'hot' description."

"Fair enough." Yori smiled. The static view of Kaname holding a pliant Zero in his arms while he kissed the top of the hunter's forehead was rather endearing.

"Who knows, maybe they'll learn the L term one day."

"Lesbian?"

"No."

"…lesbians?"

"I like your mind Shiki-senpai."

**-X**

_Kuran. Kuran_ "Kuran." Zero said in quick gasp. Curling on his enemy's chest and still out of breath from their previous intimate moments.

Kaname replied half-heartedly, arms went about Zero's back. "What?"

"Don't tell anyone."

"Not planning to."

"Good, because if someone finds out about this, I'll have to add your ass into my collection."

"I'm not bottoming for you, Kiryu."

"I'm not- the hell is wrong with you?!"

* * *

**X_X**

**Written by Wookie**


End file.
